Monday 25 July 2016

so maybe this is karma, maybe this is a wakeup call for me. To realise who is really the ones that i can trust , the one that will stay by me forever. So as to allow me to differentiate who is real and who is fake.  i guess i have to wakeup now, say goodbye to my sweet dreams. It's time to face reality. The harsh fact. I'm really tired, i dk how long i can keep up with this, im done with myself, you, everything around me. I'm very disappointed in myself, i hate myself for forgetting my roots, for forgetting who i wanted to be, where did all my dreams and aspiration went to ? why are they missing? what am i doing with my life??? i threw myself away the moment i met you, i changed. i lost myself. i became someone horrible. i got you, but what has that got me ? the amount of quarrels we had in less than 5 months? basically every month, at least once. its like a monthly routine for us. and every time, i had to give in to you.. im really tired. tired of being the only one putting in effort. trying to keep everything right, but what is the point? when its all just a one man show ? do you really understand what i'm feeling ? no you dont. because if you did, i wont be sad, i wont be writing in this space now. 也许是我活该，因为当时的我不想要放下你，选择了拆散一对很要好的情侣，结果自己却开心不起。你说你认识了我，可是你真的认识我吗？ 还是你只认识你所看到的我？ 我藏在心里的感受，你知道吗？你能体谅吗？我好累，我却无法告诉你，害怕失去你。这样下去也不是办法，你说要见我家人，可是你又会怎样表现呢？

what are friends for? what are real friends for? what are family for ? sometimes, i wonder who i have for friends. thank you for always staying by my side, listening to my rants that are just words of rage. i mean no harm in anything i said, i really treasure having you as my good friend , someone whom i can confide in, you know who you are. :)

i realise who i can count on and who i cant,. and i guess from now on, i have to count on myself and stop being a burden to everyone. when your relationship failed, you cut me off, thats because im related to him . thank you for showing me that the efforts and tears i put into for our friendship to last could be broken just because of someone not related to us. thanks for showing me that , i was never considered an impt person in your life and perhaps you are just making use of me the whole time. guess i was a fool then, and im still a fool now...

today, i met a wise man. he enlighten me alot, he told me to not give up on everything. he has faith in me, that i can work a better future . he has confidence in me, but i dont have any in myself. im really disappointed in myself. for being such a fool. for being so stupid. i hate who i am now, and i want to be proud of myself , but why cant i seem to accomplish anything?? maybe im too greedy. maybe i just dont have what it takes.  perhaps im not worthy of even being able to feel good about myself..

a team of girls, we are a team they said. but why are we left out ? is the game more impt than us ? are we just spare tires , even when your tires are worn out completely, you still wanted to carry on driving with it, there is a pair of good tires at the back, waiting for the chance to be able to see the world outside. but they never had the chance. they were never an option. so what for you have a spare tire? when the ones you are using are really ded, and cannot be revive? why have us? why keep us ? we have feelings too, we stayed in hope we could be helpful to you. but perhaps you might think that we are just another burden to you..im really tired.

thank you for having me here this whole time, maybe the next time, i could be of any help, maybe i could be more worthy in this place.